Wednesday 28th August 2013- I wont let you go

Still plodding along, as you do.
I will be honest though. I had a “moment” the other night. The first one in a while. Just a bit of a “what on earth am I getting myself into?” moment!
It didn’t last long. The catalyst was the kids (and hubby) being ill. Manflu must be the worst thing on the planet. I’m sure hubby thinks it rivals the great disasters in history!
I was playing the whole “what if…” scenarios about being pregnant and IF I got morning sickness and IF the kids got sick and IF I was too tired to look after them and IF. IF, IF!!!
But then I thought about the other IF.
IF I don’t go through with this, then IP’s will not gave a baby. They wont be able to experience all the good and the bad that comes with parenthood. I want them to have a baby. I want them to have everything that being a parent entails, including sleepless nights and sick babies.

So as I was sitting in the rocking chair, quietly singing to my son:
“And if there’s love just feel it
And if there’s life we’ll see it
This is no time to be alone
I won’t let you go

If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don’t have to be alone
I won’t let you go”

I thought, there is no way I am not going to do everything in my power to get this baby and deliver it safely to our IP’s. I don’t want to be anywhere else in my life but here, doing this. All the what ifs? They are just that. We will deal with them IF they come up. They are nothing in the scheme of things and what it will mean at the other end.

More answers to questions…

Has the legal side of things been difficult?

In all honesty, the legal side hasn’t been that difficult at all. That’s because hubby and myself, together with our IP’s have already discussed all of it together. There wasn’t any disagreements about any of the points which was great, but we wanted to work together to make sure there were no surprises which there weren’t. Basically in legal counselling, it is reiterated that the baby is legally considered mine and hubby’s. The IP’s take him/her home but we need to appear on the initial birth certificate (it gets changed through the court when the parentage order is approved after the birth), we also have to give permission for vaccinations and any medical procedures before the parentage order comes through. So of course we have to be on the same page about that.

It also covers discussions about termination. Do either parties have any strong feelings for or against it? A surrogacy agreement was recently stopped as the IP’s said they would terminate in the event of severe disability, but for the surrogate couple this went against their religion and strong feelings on the subject. They discussed it and couldn’t come to a resolution so decided not to proceed any further. I got asked if I would terminate if it all “got too hard if you had morning sickness and had to deal with your kids”. Um, hell no!!! I didn’t really like that question at all!

The legals also covered what would happen if certain parties die or break up, attitudes towards medical tests during pregnancy, as well as consumption of alcohol and other things while I would be pregnant (pregnancy eating guidelines etc). I basically answered that it was IP’s baby, so anything they want me to do/not do, I will do it!

What were your answers to the “social questions” asked by our psych analysis counsellor?

Why haven’t you just adopted?
IP’s said that in Australia, adoption is almost impossible to achieve (which is awful) and even with overseas, you have to have finished IVF completely before going down that path. They still had embryos that to them, were little lives. They wanted to give each and every embie the best and greatest possible chance of turning into a baby. For them, they had looked at other options and surrogacy seemed the best.

Surrogacy is not gods way.
IP’s answered this one by saying that if it weren’t gods way, then why is the technology available to make this type of thing happen?
I answered by saying that god wants us to love each other, be charitable and give to your fellow man. Surrogacy encompasses all of these things so I feel comfortable and confident that my god appreciates and approves of what I am doing.
Hubby said he doesn’t believe in god, so that statement isn’t really relevant to him! Its pretty unusual for him to be that brutally honest, but given he was forced into the church as a young boy and doesn’t have good, positive memories about it (quite the opposite, actually), he is entitled to have that opinion and I love him for feeling like he was able to say that in front of our IP’s and the counsellor.

How can you give up a baby?!
This would be directed at me. Quite simply, I’m not giving up a baby at all. I am handing over a little person to their rightful and true parents. The baby was never mine to keep in the first place. I was only entrusted to keep my little passenger safe until he/she is ready to meet their mummy and daddy. I know not everyone would be able to feel this way, but for me, it is the most black and white part of this entire experience. If I can have babies myself, why would I have one for another couple and then refuse to relinquish him/her? It will be their biological child after all, not mine!

You are selfish for making another woman have your baby.
If someone ever said this to my IM, I doubt I would be able to refrain myself from smacking them in the face. I’m not a violent person and have never hit anyone but would be willing to make an exception if this circumstance ever arose!
IP’s were a little taken aback with this one but conceded that the question may just come up! Their answer was that surrogacy isn’t just something you wake up and decide to do. It is the last option after a very long road, filled with heartache and tragedy. They would give anything (and have tried everything) to have their own baby but for the safety of IM and the child, had to look at other options. I personally don’t think its selfish at all. Its so brave. Its brave to trust someone to have your child. Its brave to relinquish control when they are pregnant. Its brave to have to watch another woman carry and birth your baby. Its brave to take the chance, to travel that road and be vulnerable. Our IP’s really are my heroes. They have shown such courage to get back up- after so many knock downs- and just keep going. There are so many people like that in the surrogacy community and their courage and bravery resonates through every post, message of support and story.

Why do the PRP board need to see us?
The PRP board want to see us for a couple of reasons:
-Ask any questions that may not have been answered to their satisfaction during the counselling/legal/medical process.
-See that we are real, not weirdos and fully consent to and understand exactly what we are about to enter into.
-To say that we have nothing to talk about, that the reports covered everything and that they would love to see us have a baby for our IP’s. We then make small talk, eat muffins and go on our way.
Ok, so I made that last one up, but am quietly hoping that that’s how it goes!!!

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