Saturday 7th December 2013- Heartbreaking BFN

Blood test negative.

I am pretty devastated. I feel like I have failed IP’s. I feel like with all of the love, hopes, wishes and positivity being sent to this little embie meant that it HAD to work.

We got the phone call today after the bloods this morning. We knew it was a likely scenario given all that had happened but to have it officially told was so gut wrenching and heartbreaking.

Then I spoke to IP’s. We cried together. They thanked me for all I had gone through for them. I told them how sorry I was. They told me how sorry they were.

After my post on Wed I was told that my progesterone levels had dropped again. So everyday since then I have had to visit the GP or the clinic to get progesterone shots in my bum. The injections themselves don’t hurt at all but they leave your muscles aching and your bum bruised and lumpy and sore.

When conceiving our own children, we were either pregnant or not. We never knew if the egg was fertilised and just didn’t take. We just said “ah bum” and tried again the next month. With IVF (and remember, I have never had this before), you KNOW that you have something living that has been implanted in you, and you KNOW that it has the potential to be a baby. That’s what hurts the most…

I was so committed to making this work. I was doing everything I could. I want to rant and rave and ask why this could happen to a couple who dont deserve it and a surrogate who only wants to help- desperate to give others what they have always been destined to be part of. A family.

Instead I feel numb and physically sick. The house is a mess and I have no motivation. My body has crashed. I cry for those who experience this over and over again. It is devastatingly painful and your strength to go on is astounding when you have been knocked down so many times. But now I also appreciate your resolve. To get back up, dust yourself off and keep trying.

And thats what we will do. I will take some time for my body to recover as I come off the meds. I have been told to expect a heavy period. We will take christmas and the new year to reflect and look upon the year ahead and will start again in Feb with renewed energy and positivity. Thats all we can do.

To my little passenger, whose time was so fleeting. I am sorry that you were not meant to be but I hope you felt all the love that was coming your way. You will always be a part of me, a part of your mummy and daddy and a part of our family.

I found this poem that I felt reflected our journey so far:

Place your head on my
shoulder,
let it stay there
and we’ll just breathe together
in…and… out

Inhale positivity,
exhale negativity-

Pluck the sadness
from the air,
unravel that ball of worry…
We’ll find that knot
that started it all,
untangle it,
and wave ribbons in the air

We’ll let
those colours swirl
around each other,
we’ll blend them…
then weave
them into a tapestry
that comforts us in the end

Doesn’t matter at all
if it turns out too short

Our lives are full of
tangles anyway,
a lot of thread
out there…

So place your hand
in mine,
let it stay there,
and we’ll weave
together
…in …and… out…

(By binibining P.iNk)

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