Friday 8th July- Shattered (delayed post #8)

***Delayed post from 8th July***

I got my period. My fucking period. A week earlier than expected.

It turns out my niggles and spotting yesterday were the start of my flow so we are back to day 1 today.

I feel like such an idiot. I let myself get excited. I told KiT/CaT and they got excited! Yet less than 12 hours later, that excitement was flipped on its head as I had to tell KiT/CaT that what I though was implantation bleeding was in fact my period. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

KiT/CaT were really good when I told them the news. I didn’t want to give it and I held my shit together pretty well but it wasn’t a good convo to have. I feel a bit numb and a bit raw. This isn’t my first negative transfer but it isn’t any easier second time around. Something living was put inside me. Something living that had the potential to be a little life. Somewhere along the line, something failed. It could have been the embryo itself. It could have been me. So there is always some guilt, you cant help it. I have shed a couple of tears, but I feel like I have also been holding the cries in. You know how you want to cry but you stop yourself and you get that instant headache? That is how I feel. It comes in waves as my emotions (and PMS) are all over the shop. Hubby has been great, letting me be fine one minute and a snappy bitch the next. He is being kind and gentle.

I also had to tell miss 5 that the “babymaker” in my tummy didn’t work and wouldn’t be turning into a baby. That was freaking tough. I took her into the bedroom and told her we needed to have a chat. I told her that the babymaker didn’t work. She asked who told me. I said “my body”. She could see that I was upset, my eyes were welling up and I was on the cusp of losing it. She said “it’s okay mummy, you can just get another babymaker in your tummy” and threw herself onto me, giving me a big cuddle and kiss. What a beautiful soul.

I called the clinic. Our nurse was very surprised. She said that any changes in a cycle usually happen before ovulation, not after, so me getting my period now (even though we were day 29 of my cycle) is a little unusual. We will do bloods on Tuesday instead. They will confirm no hcg and we will have a lining/check up scan on the 18th July. In the meantime, the FS will contact KiT/CaT and have a chat about how it all went down. I am shitting myself that she will want to put me on meds for the next cycle. I don’t want to go on them! At this stage we are going to try for a back to back cycle. If it doesn’t work, we will put the process on hold until after our family holiday in November and will pick things back up then.

Today is my “fuck the world”, “feel sorry for myself and IP’s” and “give surrogates a break, they are doing something good, they don’t deserve bad news” day. I smashed it out at pump and am just having a lazy rest of the day. I need it. Then tomorrow, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and focus on the next step in our baby making process. And hopefully get a PB at parkrun. We will get there! xo

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6 thoughts on “Friday 8th July- Shattered (delayed post #8)

  1. Reading this post now brings back memories of our recent negative too. I was so sorry to read the sad news and your little daughter is so super cute and a very caring soul.
    I do wish you all the very best in your next try and hope you get that BFP result. Take care and look after yourselves xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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