Friday 5th August- Day 29 (delayed post #20)

***Delayed post from 5th August***

The current heaviness in my uterus was something that I experienced with my own kids as a sign that I was pregnant- before any blood test or pee stick would be able to pick it up.

But once again though, it was not to be with the appearance of my period this morning, confirming another negative for us this cycle.

And again, I am pretty devastated.

I had to call KiT/CaT and tell them once again that my body has failed them, that I failed Florrie. I could barely speak. KiT knew before I got a word out. The conversation was short- apologies all round. She was upset and it broke my heart.

I called hubby, crying. I left a message on the voicemail of our surrogacy nurse at the clinic- also crying. I pulled myself together to take the kids to creche so I could go to the gym and do a pump class. I wanted an hour where I didn’t think about anything. It didn’t work. I burst into tears twice during the class. Not sure if anyone saw me or not…

I promised the kids I would take them to a play centre so I held myself together through that. Once home, it hit me. I cried on the couch in between drifting in and out of troubled sleep. The kids were doing their own thing and I was fine to let them. I cried, I got angry, I was composed, I got angry, I was composed, I cried and that’s how I spent my afternoon. I took it out on the kids at times, yelling and getting frustrated which I feel guilty about.

Hubby came home and organised the kids dinner. He had a procedure yesterday and was still sore but took care of them like the amazing man he is. Cue more guilt though.

I am tired now. My mental exhaustion has turned into physical exhaustion and if I can manage to keep my thoughts still, sleep will hopefully bring some relief.

Not all surrogates feel like this after a failed transfer. Maybe they take an “it is what it is” stance to protect themselves, maybe they can just distance themselves from it better than I can. There is no right or wrong way to grieve a failed transfer. Just because a surrogate didn’t get a transfer to become pregnant with her own child, it doesn’t mean she isn’t completely invested and doesn’t feel the loss with her full heart. She can also feel very little sense of loss- again, completely normal in what is a highly abnormal situation.

This morning I sent KiT/CaT off some gorgeous videos of the kids chatting to the “babymaker” and kissing my stomach. They too are so invested in this and were quite upset when I told them that the babymaker didn’t work and that it wasn’t going to turn into a baby. You can tell it affected them- they weren’t their usual cheeky selves for a while today.

Logic tells me that it can take a few IVF transfers to get a positive. I get it. But that doesn’t make it any easier when things don’t work. Particularly when you know that you have a limited number of embryos and your IP’s have been through so much just to get to this point.

Will I be perky and excited again? I will. Might take a little while though. I need to collect myself, my thoughts, be pissed with the universe for a while, seek time with family, get support from my beautiful surrogate friends and then I will change focus and move forward.

We wont be going back to back cycles again. We take a break now. We have a family holiday scheduled for November and I don’t want to be too early pregnant while we are away as I usually have nausea and tiredness. We will try again after our return. KiT/CaT will probably also take a trip. If FS wants me on meds, I wont fight it this time. I am prepared to take all of the shit that goes with it if we have a better chance of getting the embryo to take.

I just want to add how supported I am feeling by KiT/CaT. They don’t blame me. They are worried for me and my well being. They are checking in on me to see how I am. They are truly amazing. I feel so fortunate to have them in our lives. I just need to get them their baby.