Tuesday 6th September- … (delayed post #31)

***Delayed post from 6th September***

This is a woe is me, fuck the world, why did this have to happen to us, post.

I wanted to deliver good news. I so did. I wanted to tell KiT/CaT that they would become parents, tell KiT’s mum that she was going to become a grandmother. Tell our kids that a babymaker in mummy’s tummy has turned into a baby.

But instead I have to deliver the news that my period ruined the party. Again. And I feel sick. It has gutted me to give that news. Again. I thought it was happening for us this time. It had to work- we were running in line with the stats- we were on track. I had the pregnyl jabs for fucks sake!

KiT/CaT took the news wonderfully as always. They are so supportive and so amazing. That makes it hurt more. They deserve this. So much.

I feel like its me. I know what IVF is like but that doesn’t make me blame myself any less. JB was living and dividing when it was put into me. And now I have my period. Something happened in me. I don’t want to put another embryo into my body until I do some more investigating. I told KiT/CaT that I want a hysteroscopy to check things out. We are now down to 50% of the embryos. This shit is getting really fucking real and embryo numbers are decreasing fast.

Now we definitely take a break until after QLD in November. Rest up, get back our emotional and physical strength and prepare for next transfer.

But for the immediate future, I will continue to wallow in my own blame filled self pity, exhausted physically and emotionally, feeling like an utter fucking failure who was carrying someones hopes and dreams and couldn’t make it work. I know this isn’t me but I can’t help it. I. FEEL. RESPONSIBLE. It is not fair.

5 thoughts on “Tuesday 6th September- … (delayed post #31)

  1. It’s not fair. None of it is. And no one is to blame, especially not you, Renée. Lots of stuff about trying to have babies is difficult and unfair and has no reasonable explanation. For all of us who struggle, the challenge is to live without being able to make sense of it.

    That said, I am so sorry for you and KiT/CaT.

    Liked by 1 person

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