Wednesday 7th September- the next day (delayed post #32)

***delayed post from 7th September***

Today is the day after yesterday. I have woken up feeling the effects of a true day 1 period. Cramping, heavy flow, sore boobs and a general feeling of shitness. Just what you need to remind you of what has happened. I had a BT this morning to confirm the inevitable and results will be in later today or tomorrow. There is a small chance that bleeding can mean an ectopic pregnancy so they want to give me the all clear. I am confident it will just show 0 hcg and a low progesterone level indicating that it is indeed Aunt fucking Flo.

I’ve been chatting online with KiT this morning. She is feeling pretty low too which is to be expected. She offered to set me up a time to chat with a counsellor if I needed to- bless her. I think I am just going to take tomorrow off work though. I feel like life in general is kicking me in the arse at the moment so I just need a days rest. I have some spa vouchers I am thinking of using that might perk me up a little. If I still feel emotional next week, I will definitely speak to the counsellor.

I re-read yesterdays blog post this morning. It wasn’t easy. I am sort of embarrassed that I wrote it. But I wont delete it. It is a good insight into the raw-ness of what one feels in the immediate aftermath of a failed cycle, where excited talk one minute turns into devastation the next. And all the jumbled, rambling thoughts that go with.

I have told the clinic we are on hold now so they wont book in any appointments for us. I still want a hysteroscopy. My stance hasn’t changed on that. For my peace of mind (and possibly KiT/CaT’s as well) I need to make sure that these failures aren’t because of me.

I want them to have a baby. So much.

 

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