This is it.

Monday 16th January

I’ve been taking a bit of a break from blogging- as you know. There is nothing drastic going on, just needed a break.

Since we last “spoke”, lots has happened with Christmas, the New Year, a holiday and some more studying thrown in for shits and giggles. It has been a busy time but nice to have a rest from all things IVF, cycle watching, jabbing, bloods, surgeometers etc. The failure of transfer number 4 bought with it an EPIC period- almost 2 weeks long. It was heavy, crampy and felt like it would never end so I was pleased not to have to jump from that straight into scans and bloods.

Today (16th January), I am day 13 of our cycle. A scan this morning revealed a 14mm thick lining (very comfy) and a 22mm follicle on my right ovary. Surge will be soon. Bloods showed hormones were just starting to rise, so I will be back on Wednesday to have another jab. I think that will confirm ovulation- a little earlier than usual- day 15 (I had been ovulating at around day 18). We are anticipating transfer to be early next week.

Why so far away, you ask? Well this time- lucky transfer number 5- we are doing something different. Under the advice of our FS and in an attempt to reduce the chances of another failed transfer, it has been decided that the remaining embryos will be grown out from day 2 to day 5 before transfer. One of 3 things will happen:

  • Both embryos will die
  • One embryo will live to be implanted, the other wont survive (this is the most likely scenario)
  • Both embryos will make it to day 5- one will be transferred, the other re-frozen

It is a big call but as the FS said- an embryo would be unlikely to survive in me if it didn’t make it in the lab.

So it is do or die (literally but not literally). We are focusing on the positive- throwing all we have at this in terms of willpower, prayer, hope, wishing etc etc etc. There is no backup plan because we wont need one. I will fall pregnant.

 

Wednesday 18th January

Looks like I am surging! Bloods today will confirm so transfer will be Monday or Tuesday next week. *insert excitement here*

Although I do have a funny story. It is total TMI so if you dont want to know, scroll down to the next date post in bold.

I got more surge-ometer pee sticks on Monday. I needed to do one Tuesday morning but I left them in the car. I remembered once I had done the first pee of the morning (damnit). I decided I would test that day anyway so bought a test to work and drank a bit of water on my way in.

I toddled off to the loo at 9.30am, sat down and unwrapped the pack. It occurred to me quite quickly that I had made a BIG mistake. For those of you who aren’t aware, some ovulation test kits require you to pee directly on the stick. The ones I use have a little pipette- you collect the sample in a container, then suck up a few drops to pop into the sample hole on the test. Any idea what I am getting at here?

No collection container. No opportunity to get one. Needed to pee. I tried my hardest to catch the sample by popping the mini pipette into the flow. Didn’t work. I was running out of wee! So I did it. I made the ultimate surro sacrifice (not really but at that moment it totally felt like it). I made a cup with my own hand. Ewwwwwww! Icky but necessary. Some people drink their wee you know! I got a spectacular sample. I washed my hands thoroughly and was impressed with the clear surge line that appeared. Sacrifice worth it.

 

Thursday 19th January

Bloods have indicated that surge was likely on Tuesday so today marks day 1 post ovulation! Embryos will be defrosted tomorrow and transfer will be MONDAY!

Everything is crossed, I am praying to the gods (all of them) and mother nature. I am doing naked fertility dances and pretending I am a unicorn who farts glitter.

 

Saturday 21st January

I have plenty to keep me occupied this weekend but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t think about those little embies here and there, sending them some love, luck and strength. I have my first jab of pregnyl tomorrow and we find out the transfer time for the little embie that could.

 

Tuesday 24th January

I received a call Sunday advising that the time of our transfer was to be 11.30am. Do the usual- semi full bladder, rock up 30 mins prior etc. It felt weird making all these plans when we had no idea whether any of the embies had even made it through the thaw! I called our surrogacy nurse on Monday morning and asked when we would find out if any made it. She said that they would only call if things didn’t go well. That didn’t ease my mind at all!

We rocked up for transfer and to call me a ball of nerves was an understatement. I was shitting myself. Big time. For those who know me, you know that I am NOT a nervous person by nature. This was up there with the most nervous I have ever been. I was fidgety, emotional, my hands were shaking and the butterflies in my stomach were insane. I had a cry to KiT- telling her that I was nervous and anxious about it all. She was amazing, consoling me and telling me that it was all okay, that they loved me and appreciated all we had been through- no matter the outcome. I can only imagine how they were both feeling- they held it in well! KiT’s mum had come too which was awesome and she is amazing so I appreciated that extra support.

We got called in and told that one embryo had made it to day 5 and was ready to be transferred. The other had stopped growing and was “not suitable to transfer”. RIP little embie. I got undressed, we had some funny photos of me in the bed and then took a look at the embryo. The embryologist advised that it had begun the cavitating phase. That sounds good, yeah?! I have no idea what it actually means but don’t want to google it and overanalyse if it is not where it “technically” should be. It could be a good thing!

I felt much better after transfer (and going to the loo lol). KiT/CaT had made us some meals (they are keepers, those two) and we got some funny and thoughtful gifts which were so sweet. I got a bag full of “sticky” things- glue sticks, sticky tape, lollies, sticky date pudding. Awesome! And a totally funny affirmations button that you press and it says cool (yet cheesy) things like:

“I am beautiful”

“Joy is my natural state”

“I feel radiant and full of energy”

“I am wise beyond my years”

“I am overflowing with happiness”

“I am invincible. I am a superstar”

I reckon she sounds like Asher Keddie from Offspring…

I still have this overwhelming feeling of responsibility. This is KiT/CaT’s last genetic embryo and that is not lost on me. At all. Every spare moment, it creeps into my consciousness- like the rumbling of distant thunder- just loud enough for you to stop and listen for that next familiar sound. Will it come closer, will it fade away? I just don’t know. It is out of my hands now. Well, it has always been out of my hands, but you get what I mean! It is up to mother nature. The lack of control, the lack of knowing- it really plays on your mind.

I cant afford to let it be all consuming though. I have a high GPA to maintain! I have one child starting primary school and two starting kinder. I have to be present, organised and focused.

Next pregnyl jab will be Thursday (Australia Day). Then BT on Thursday 2nd Feb. In the meantime, I just have to remind myself that I have done everything in my power to make this work, that I am healthy, my uterus is healthy and the embryo has a good, strong chance given it is a day 5.

EVERYTHING is crossed. Everything.

 

Saturday 28th January 

We have passed the half way mark of our 2ww! I jabbed myself on Thursday- pretty proud with my effort, the best jab yet with minimal shaking.

Pregnyl is weird. I was sitting on the couch with hubby the other day and felt a familiar twinge. I said to him “I reckon my boobs are making milk!”. I flopped a boob out, gave it a squeeze and what do you know- I am lactating.

LACTATING!

Holy moly. All the symptoms that come along with the pregnyl mimic pregnancy so I can’t read into anything. Our eldest is starting prep this year, the twins start kinder, work is flat out and its coming up to the end of the uni teaching period so I have PLENTY to keep me occupied before bloods next Thursday.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..

 

Monday 30th January

Anxious. With every passing day, the anxiety grows. Pregnyl symptoms have dissipated and now we just wait. Impatiently. I want to POAS but I don’t want to POAS. My brain is going at a million miles an hour one moment and feels like it has ground to a halt the next. I want to vomit. I am distracted. I am focused. I am positive. I have doubts. People around us and in the community are sharing good news. I am happy for them, truly I am. But envious. And waiting for our turn. Our turn to share good news.

 

Tuesday 31st January

Today is an emotional day for more than one reason. Today our eldest started primary school! Off she went in her oversized uniform and with a backpack that looks bigger than they are. All nice and fresh and new. I held it together well as we dropped her off. Well done me.

I am not as anxious today. Probably because I had new school nerves going on lol but also cause KiT and I had an awesome convo last night! We have agreed that we are pretty much feeling the same things and sharing the same emotions and thoughts at the moment. Anxious more in the morning than in the afternoon, but still distracted somewhat.

KiT and I came up with a plan which was something I hadn’t even considered. We will call each other and chat to one another on the phone at least once a day between now and BT results. This will stop any anxiousness on her part seeing my name come up on my phone if we have agreed to just “check in” a few times a day. I know that often, the sight of my name on someones phone brings up a multitude of feelings (lol) but in this instance, it is good for KiT to know that I could be ringing about ANYTHING, not just delivering good or bad news.

Until blood results, we just plod on. I have no pee sticks to make me want to test so we just wait. I am confident we will get to bloods again without my period ruining things and I think that will put us in a good position to get some awesome news.

 

Saturday 4th February

On Tuesday afternoon, I started spotting. I called the clinic and we made the decision to bring bloods forward to Wednesday instead of Thursday.

By Wednesday morning, it was all over. I didn’t need bloods to tell me that the transfer hadn’t worked. I called KiT/CaT and smashed their hearts into 1,000 pieces as I told them that my period had definitely arrived. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

7 months, 6 embryos, 5 transfers, 5 negatives. We never, EVER expected to get to this stage without a pregnancy. I feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on us all. There are no embryos left.

I am still getting my head around it all. It feels like a fucked up dream at the moment. KiT/CaT have been absolutely bloody brilliant (as usual), checking in on us, sending vodka, beer and chocolates and their love. They are truly amazing people- they were well within their rights to just shut down but they didn’t- we kept communicating and I love that about our team.

So where to now? I don’t know. I need to get through this next week of uni (last week until the trimester break) and have a debrief with the counsellor and move forward. I have told KiT/CaT that I still want to see them have a baby. If they want to look at donor eggs, fine (I know 100 women who would throw their ovaries at them if they went down this path). If they want another surrogate, fine. If they don’t want to have anything more to do with surrogacy, fine. I am 100% supportive of any decision they make. If they want me to try again for them with donor eggs, I would do so in a heartbeat.

I have left all the surrogacy pages on FB- it is all just a bit too much at the moment. I have committed to a seminar and a dinner and will attend those even though I don’t feel like it. We are all just taking it one day at a time.

It shouldn’t be this hard…

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3 thoughts on “This is it.

  1. Renee, I was just thinking of you the other day and wondering how things were going. I’m so sad for you and KiT/CaT. As you say, it shouldn’t be this hard. But be gentle on yourself: you tried your damnedest.

    Like

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